My little one loves the camera.
Been absent for a while! If you are curious about our daily lives, check us out on Instagram, Katreena.tayong. Or Snapchat, “katreenamarkeci” ….
There is so much I want to say to you, but I am afraid of what you will say back. They always say never hold back, and how it’s better to say too much and all, but I am the kind of person who do not ask questions when I’m unsure if the answer is only going to hurt me. Yeah. I don’t like to take risks when it comes to my own emotions, but yet I’m so quick to tell people “don’t hold back. “. Why do I do that? I have no idea. But maybe because I like to pretend I’m strong. It makes me feel like if I gave an advice especially a ballsy one, I would convince myself that it’s easy. Maybe because I want to cover up the fact that I am the one who stay up all night feeling sorry for myself because I can’t figure out what I should do to with myself with all these questions on mind. They haunt me. But I am not sure if I prefer that over the truth. I’m not ready.
Hello everyone! I’ve missed you all so much! So I finally found time to sit and type about our birth story slash journey.
So, my due date is originally on Wednesday, August 4th. But little one was stubborn and decided to stay longer. We set up a date for us to be induced, which is a week after my due date. I swear to you, I did everything I could to try to “induce” naturally . Mainly because I was miserable. My back was killing me, my feet were swollen, my joints even in my hands we aching. So I bounced on my pregnancy ball, walked as much as I could even when my hips felt like it was going to fall off.
Saturday night after my due date was when my water broke! Around 12 midnight, I was in bed with my husband, I felt little contractions they felt very mild so I ignored them until I thought I peer myself… And it just kept going!
I wasn’t in panic, infact, my husband was more worried about what to do next while I stood there and kept saying, “OMG, my water broke!”
We drove to the hospital, checked in and we’re still very overwhelmed. I was eager to do a normal delivery. I was excited to feel the pain.
But things did not go that way…
I was in labor for almost 24 hours. I was only 5 cm dilated. Our Doctor tried to wait but she finally said we need to do cesarean section because the baby and I were at risk for infection. In fact, by the time they wheeled me in the operating room, I was already shaking because of a fever. Even though my husband was there, to try to comfort me, I could not understand what he was saying. I was too out of it. I was scared and wanted to run away. I was so unprepared to go through a surgery.
I heard him cry.
When I heard him cry, even though I couldn’t see him, happiness came through me like hot flashes. I was weak but I managed a smile. I could here my husband say “I’m so proud of you” and “he’s here baby. ” that was when I started crying my eyes out. And then I blacked out.
The next thing I remember was waking up in a small room and my husband and child out of sight. My mom walked in and showed me pictures of my husband bathing our child. Part of me was a little jealous for not being able to hold the baby right away. But then again I was very happy to hear about how my husband was when he saw our baby. He was so proud of him. So happy to finally meet our baby.
He even did a skin to skin with Kostandin.
They’re my reason to live. I love them so much.
Just because you do not understand something, doesn’t make it stupid. People like you make me sick. But then again, I can’t blame you. You were not educated well. But let me just tell you something, and keep this in mind. Maybe one day you’ll remember this moment. Instead of judging something you do not understand, learn why. Study it. Try to understand it. Educate yourself why people do the things that they do. You do not live in a little bubble. You live in a world full of people with different cultures and practices. People with different point of views and opinion about things. While I preach about being open minded, you should try to get out of the close mindedness. Ignorance is not bliss. You just look really dumb.
You think you’re okay until you wake up at 3 in the morning sobbing your heart out remembering everything that you once had but now so out of your reach. It’s okay. Cry it all out. Cry until you run out of tears. Cry as loud as you need to. Hit a pillow. Cry to a pillow. Burry your face in it. Scream. Stay up if you need to. Cry it all out. Don’t go back to sleep until you feel a tad bit better. Cry until your eyes hurt, until they’re red, until they’re swollen. After all, you need it. Let all your emotions out. You deserve it. Don’t keep it all in. You don’t want those to stay in your heart. The moment you close your eyes and fall deep into sleep, you will have the best sleep of your life. You will wake up, maybe not close to happy, but you’ll wake up with heavy eyes and you’ll wake up hungry. You will want to eat and please do something for yourself. Run. Jog. Walk. Ride a bike. This is just a start.