Sometimes, your worst enemy is your own mind. Tricking you into thinking so many things. You start believing it which leads to disappointments. It’s common. Especially when it comes to liking someone. You know, when you start doing things for that person. You go out of your way to please them. You even try to study the person. Try to see what they’re like. From their favorite color to what their favorite movies.And then one day reality slaps you in the face. You find out that person is actually not into you. You were all in this alone all along. Dove head first and all. So now what? Well you’re stuck. You’re probably debating if you should keep on going, meaning try to pursue. Or just give up.
You want to give up but you also want to be happy. And pursuing seem easier and a shorter way to happiness than to deal with tears now. You don’t see the reason why you should cry yet.
So you keep going. Try to convince yourself that maybe if you kept going, eventually he will turn around and feel the same. Do the same.
Despite of all the pain you have caused me, doesn’t erased the fact that I still loved you and you still played a very important role in my life. You’ve made me realize things that nobody could have. Because of how I felt towards you, I took things to the extreme. Which should always be the case no matter what it came about. You also taught me the importance of expressing my feelings, and that it’s better to say too much than nothing at all. I could go on and on. I could try to justify how I felt today and now. I could try to convince myself that all the amazing things in the past is just nonsense or that I should probably forget. But I won’t. I think this is great and I think this is part of the process of becoming a better person. I think this is a test. How I handle this will affect the person I will be after I am through with this chapter. I think that everything will make sense later. So I thank you. I thank you for everything.
There is so much I want to say to you, but I am afraid of what you will say back. They always say never hold back, and how it’s better to say too much and all, but I am the kind of person who do not ask questions when I’m unsure if the answer is only going to hurt me. Yeah. I don’t like to take risks when it comes to my own emotions, but yet I’m so quick to tell people “don’t hold back. “. Why do I do that? I have no idea. But maybe because I like to pretend I’m strong. It makes me feel like if I gave an advice especially a ballsy one, I would convince myself that it’s easy. Maybe because I want to cover up the fact that I am the one who stay up all night feeling sorry for myself because I can’t figure out what I should do to with myself with all these questions on mind. They haunt me. But I am not sure if I prefer that over the truth. I’m not ready.
What’s for me will always be for me. Who’s meant to be in my life, will be there forever or close to it atleast. So I don’t stress. I don’t sweat. I don’t always try to seek for validation. Sometimes, maybe. I’m only human. We all crave it. But it is what it is. I let things go. I let things happen. I don’t try to get out of my own way to stop something or someone. I don’t waste any time or energy on things that I cannot control. I’ve been hurt from it before and now I just choose to sit back and let life take me wherever it takes me. I let life take negative people out. I learned that if you don’t stress about it, life will gladly do that for you, and when it does, just let it. Ride with it. Work on moving on instead. Save all your energy for yourself.
The word sorry does nothing but piss me off. Congratulations, you have officially made me hate that word. You did something wrong. And you say sorry. No. Don’t give me that bull. Sorry so the ball is in my court? Sorry to make me think you really are, when we all know you have done this before. Sorry so that you can get another pass to do it again? How about shove the sorry up your behind. How about do something about it. How about don’t tell me sorry and just prove that you really are. Because I’m getting really tired of it. I’m tired to the point where I don’t even want to see your face anymore. Because everytime I do, it’s like the word “sorry” is written all over your face. I just want to smack it. I’m starting to hate you as much as I hate that word. Prove me wrong, or stay away from me.
Were we ever anything more than what my imagination thought or made us to be? Was I the only one who felt the spark when we looked into each other’s eyes? Did my imagination make those up alone? Was it only me this whole time? Did our late night deep conversations not mean anything to you like I thought it did? Did my own brain create those feelings for the sake of confidence because I was lacking it. Please enlighten me. I am lost for words. Lost for anything. I believed in something completely non existent. I am ashamed of myself and how I feel. How could I ever missed it? How could I let myself drown in my own imagination? Damn. Is this for real? I feel myself slowly leaning towards a cliff. I am not sure if your answers will save me or push me. I don’t know.