There is so much I want to say to you, but I am afraid of what you will say back. They always say never hold back, and how it’s better to say too much and all, but I am the kind of person who do not ask questions when I’m unsure if the answer is only going to hurt me. Yeah. I don’t like to take risks when it comes to my own emotions, but yet I’m so quick to tell people “don’t hold back. “. Why do I do that? I have no idea. But maybe because I like to pretend I’m strong. It makes me feel like if I gave an advice especially a ballsy one, I would convince myself that it’s easy. Maybe because I want to cover up the fact that I am the one who stay up all night feeling sorry for myself because I can’t figure out what I should do to with myself with all these questions on mind. They haunt me. But I am not sure if I prefer that over the truth. I’m not ready.
One day, I hope you look back at what we had, and regret every single thing you did to let it end. When you chose to look at the “neighbor’s grass”, and always said it was greener. Instead of taking care of what you have, you drooled over what you did not. I hope you regret choosing to be around people who you think is cool, rather than staying with the one who would wait for you when you come home, always leaving the lights on for you. You had it all, you just did not realize it. I hope you regret putting me right at the bottom of your every list. I hope you realize that you lost someone who you could come home to after an exhausting day. I hope you regret leaving me out in the open knowing I trusted you with my emotions and my heart. I hope one you regret everything. And when you realize that you have made a mistake, it will be too late.
Were we ever anything more than what my imagination thought or made us to be? Was I the only one who felt the spark when we looked into each other’s eyes? Did my imagination make those up alone? Was it only me this whole time? Did our late night deep conversations not mean anything to you like I thought it did? Did my own brain create those feelings for the sake of confidence because I was lacking it. Please enlighten me. I am lost for words. Lost for anything. I believed in something completely non existent. I am ashamed of myself and how I feel. How could I ever missed it? How could I let myself drown in my own imagination? Damn. Is this for real? I feel myself slowly leaning towards a cliff. I am not sure if your answers will save me or push me. I don’t know.
There are too many reasons to smile. Too many colors to see and places to visit. Too many people to meet and too many things to touch. Too much lessons yet to be learned. Don’t one little bump hold you from experiencing new things. Don’t deprive yourself of the euphoria you could be experiencing. Breathe in and exhale negativity. Always try to see the good in every situation. There is no mountain you cannot climb.
I have made a habit of fucking up my life. I fell in love with a bad guy thinking I could change him. Silly me. Turned out, he ended up changing me. When I was a little girl, I saw my father lost his life to lung cancer. Swore up and down, over my dead beautiful body, that I would never lay a finger on a cig. Now I can’t go about my day without a cancer stick. One or two, sometimes three. My room is a mess and surprisingly, it hasn’t bothered me. I dream of dreaming about wanting change, but so far this mess feels nice. I am aware of what and how I look like. I feel my mother’s disgust when she calls and ask how I am. I am shamed. But not really. It’s like I live to screw myself over more. It’s like I want to push it and see how far it goes. What’s the worst thing that could happen? I die. We all do.
It’s not me, it’s not anyone else, it’s you and your incurable narcissism and shitty personality. Having a strong personality is fine. In fact, I know a lot of people who has it. But you, you’re something else. It makes me believe that you weren’t given enough attention as a child so now you want it all. You refuse to bend backwards for people. You step on them to put yourself on top. You’re brutally rude for no reason, and you call it honesty. I call it being a shitty person for no absolute reason. And you wonder why good women stay away from you. They stay away because they’re smart. I feel so sad and bad for anyone who dates you. You suck their happiness out of people and you make everything all about you. I hope one day you wake up and realize that there’s always somebody better and bigger than you.