My life lately is like a roller coaster. But in a good way. I have a son. I gave birth almost two months ago. Yet I still catch myself staring in spaces and thinking how I still can’t believe I’m a mom. And I have this little kiddo. Who grew inside of me. It’s crazy. I missed blogging. I missed putting random thoughts on here. I miss writing just because and I miss writing for the sake of just writing. I need to do it more and again. I miss it all. Looking forward to be back on here more often.
Here are some of my little baby’s photos. He is quiet a camera lover. Like his mommy!
Isn’t he cute?!
Despite of all the pain you have caused me, doesn’t erased the fact that I still loved you and you still played a very important role in my life. You’ve made me realize things that nobody could have. Because of how I felt towards you, I took things to the extreme. Which should always be the case no matter what it came about. You also taught me the importance of expressing my feelings, and that it’s better to say too much than nothing at all. I could go on and on. I could try to justify how I felt today and now. I could try to convince myself that all the amazing things in the past is just nonsense or that I should probably forget. But I won’t. I think this is great and I think this is part of the process of becoming a better person. I think this is a test. How I handle this will affect the person I will be after I am through with this chapter. I think that everything will make sense later. So I thank you. I thank you for everything.
Society will tell you that you’re too skinny. Society will tell you that you’re too fat. Society will make it seem like there is no in between. And then we try to fix it by saying “love yourself for who and what you are. ” but turn around and body shame body types that contradict ours. Why can’t we just say everybody is beautiful without bias? Or why can’t you not say it if you don’t mean it. I think that’s better. If you do not think someone is attractive, then keep it to yourself. We need to encourage peace and love. We need to encourage girls to embrace their own body type. So let them. Just because you don’t think someone is attractive because of their figure, doesn’t mean other people see them the same way. And don’t feel terrible if you don’t find someone attractive by their figure because we all are entitled to our own opinion. I’m not saying you should try to sugar coat things. I’m just saying that if you don’t have any nice things to say, then don’t say anything at all.
There is so much I want to say to you, but I am afraid of what you will say back. They always say never hold back, and how it’s better to say too much and all, but I am the kind of person who do not ask questions when I’m unsure if the answer is only going to hurt me. Yeah. I don’t like to take risks when it comes to my own emotions, but yet I’m so quick to tell people “don’t hold back. “. Why do I do that? I have no idea. But maybe because I like to pretend I’m strong. It makes me feel like if I gave an advice especially a ballsy one, I would convince myself that it’s easy. Maybe because I want to cover up the fact that I am the one who stay up all night feeling sorry for myself because I can’t figure out what I should do to with myself with all these questions on mind. They haunt me. But I am not sure if I prefer that over the truth. I’m not ready.
You think you’re okay until you wake up at 3 in the morning sobbing your heart out remembering everything that you once had but now so out of your reach. It’s okay. Cry it all out. Cry until you run out of tears. Cry as loud as you need to. Hit a pillow. Cry to a pillow. Burry your face in it. Scream. Stay up if you need to. Cry it all out. Don’t go back to sleep until you feel a tad bit better. Cry until your eyes hurt, until they’re red, until they’re swollen. After all, you need it. Let all your emotions out. You deserve it. Don’t keep it all in. You don’t want those to stay in your heart. The moment you close your eyes and fall deep into sleep, you will have the best sleep of your life. You will wake up, maybe not close to happy, but you’ll wake up with heavy eyes and you’ll wake up hungry. You will want to eat and please do something for yourself. Run. Jog. Walk. Ride a bike. This is just a start.
What’s for me will always be for me. Who’s meant to be in my life, will be there forever or close to it atleast. So I don’t stress. I don’t sweat. I don’t always try to seek for validation. Sometimes, maybe. I’m only human. We all crave it. But it is what it is. I let things go. I let things happen. I don’t try to get out of my own way to stop something or someone. I don’t waste any time or energy on things that I cannot control. I’ve been hurt from it before and now I just choose to sit back and let life take me wherever it takes me. I let life take negative people out. I learned that if you don’t stress about it, life will gladly do that for you, and when it does, just let it. Ride with it. Work on moving on instead. Save all your energy for yourself.