Despite of all the pain you have caused me, doesn’t erased the fact that I still loved you and you still played a very important role in my life. You’ve made me realize things that nobody could have. Because of how I felt towards you, I took things to the extreme. Which should always be the case no matter what it came about. You also taught me the importance of expressing my feelings, and that it’s better to say too much than nothing at all. I could go on and on. I could try to justify how I felt today and now. I could try to convince myself that all the amazing things in the past is just nonsense or that I should probably forget. But I won’t. I think this is great and I think this is part of the process of becoming a better person. I think this is a test. How I handle this will affect the person I will be after I am through with this chapter. I think that everything will make sense later. So I thank you. I thank you for everything.
It happened again, and I allowed it. I allowed myself to trust you again knowing you would just turn around and disappoint me. I allowed you to hold me even when I knew those hands held another. I allowed your words to consume me even after knowing you’ve lied to my face. I allowed you to hurt me.. Again. And I know this time I am to blame. My friends were right about you, but I was naive and wanted to see it for myself. How did I become so blind? I knew you were gonna hurt me again. I stood there and let you. I watched you break my heart but then again, I was the one who offered it to you. It was like I decided to feed myself to a huge wild animal. And I refused to run. I wasn’t scared but I knew it was going to hurt.
I don’t like holding grudges simply because it is wrong and unhealthy. When I hold grudges, or if I ever do hold grudges, I would only doing myself harm and hurt no one but myself. So just to clarify things, I do not hold grudges. You just become irrelevant. It’s that simple. Your presence will not intimidate me. Infact, your voice will begin to become annoying to me and your words especially will mean exactly nothing. I used to stay up all night, toss and turn. Absorb all the pain of betrayal and cry myself to sleep. But then on day I got tired. I got tired of asking questions that I know can’t be answered. And I got tired of always waiting on closures. Time to be strong for myself and not let anyone get the best of me. Not anymore.
You’re cute, but I don’t know if you’re here to waste my time or to sweep me off my feet. I’m tired of people like you, but somehow I get sucked in so easy. Next thing I know I am thinking about you every night while I stare at my ceiling when my mind won’t let me sleep. I don’t know if you’re here to have fun, or here to look for a future that we can walk in together. I’m ready, but most people aren’t. Not the ones my age at least. I seem to have a mature mind compared to other people my age, but my emotions are all over the place. I know what I want, but I cannot recognize it when it’s right in front of me. It’s like I look at you, I know I want a future with you but then my gut is telling me not to waste time because you’re probably like the rest of them. Because I got hurt so many times before, I don’t even know how to trust my own gut. Sometimes I feel like even my own head and heart are up to only hurting me. You have a pretty face, but your intentions are ugly. You just want to have fun. I don’t. I want to be happy.