WHAT IS PERFECT?


Everybody wants a perfect life, but what is the perfect life? Because when I was 20 years young and a junior in college aspiring to be a successful prosecutor, which I proudly am now.  I defined the perfect life as coming home to a family. An average family you see on television where I come home and my two children would come running to meet me at the door, with a husband asking how my day was. A house that will always smell like apple cinnamon. Where we all would sit at the dining table enjoying dinner and talk about our days and where I can freely talk about my success in every courtroom I have entered in two weeks straight. Back then I understood that my dream career would have some kind of an effect on my family life one day. Being a prosecutor is no joke, I kept that in mind. Although I did not want to think about relationships let alone marriage until I finished schooling. I had too much self pride and I wanted to make sure I had a backbone before I dated any man. But that did not mean I did not mess around with men. Here and there I have had booty calls. At the same time I was building and daydreaming about having my perfect life one day. Perfect life to me back then was settling and having a happy family. We would take family pictures with matching clothings and own one or two labrador retrievers and lived two to three hours away from my parents and in-laws. I watched my friends get married while I saved myself for someone that will be as successful as me. Perfect life to me back then was despite my busy schedule, I would make sure to make time and still have the hottest sex like you see in the movies. That is why I made sure I did not miss out on sexual experiments in college. Perfect life to me was having a perfect home and a perfect family where we made time to be together. 

Now I am fixing to turn 39 on June and I have two children, a daughter and a son. They are both beautiful except for the fact that my son got caught shoplifting last week at a deli. I asked him why he did it, he answered by slamming his bedroom door in my face. My daughter complains about having nothing to eat at home and why her mother is never home to cook for them. My husband, being as successful as I, has no time for home either because of his career. He is just another prosecutor and I cannot say a word about him not being home, because I know how busy he can get. He was always working on big cases. That was what he told me until I walked in his office while he was pounding his own paralegal. No they did not see me, they were too busy with each other to notice the door knob turn and open, so I let myself out. Funny how things work, back then I swore up and down to never let anyone mistreat me. But surprisingly I chose to walk away and pretended I did not see it happen and I pretended not to notice his smell when he came home smelling like fresh soap. Being a prosecutor those are the things I could never ignore. It is second nature to pay attention to every small details and I have no idea if he is even doing it in purpose, or if he really takes me as a fool. We owned a Labrador, just like I pictured when I was in my twenties, but nobody had time for her so we gave her away. My parents live an hour away and so as his and when we visit them, we pretend to be the happiest family that existed. That is what we are all good at. Pretending. And even my children are so good at it. I do not even know my daughter’s favorite color and I never drove my son to any soccer games. We never stayed up late on weekends as a family and never went to parks together. 

I will be 39 on June and I have a perfect career but my family is a mess and I am ashamed.  Clearly, this was not the perfect life that I pictured back then. Was I too naive? I was so busy trying to achieve a picture perfect lifestyle that I have forgotten to live it. I have all the money in the world and I have an absolutely gorgeous husband who is untrue. I have two children who had supplier instead of a mother because I fed them money, not love and touch. I am bitter, yes. Who wouldn’t be? I do not know how to fix things and I am stuck so I spend more money on my own pleasures for my own escape.  Can you blame me?

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