SLOW REPLIES MAKE ME FEEL DUMB

Fast replies make me think you actually want to talk to me. But slow replies make me think that you’re talking to someone better. I don’t know why. I seem to have attached my soul to you. It’s shameful and I don’t like feeling this dependent on someone. Let alone let my happiness depend on a person. I have read so many rules when it comes to relationships and happiness. They all say the same. To not let your happiness be dependent on someone. It’s probably the dumbest thing you can do. Well, here I am. I thought I stood firmly by those words and articles but here I am. Weak as hell and feeling like the dumbest person on earth. How did I not see it coming? I have no idea. It caught me off guard. I actually thought I was doing fine, and I am the strongest person when it comes to having pride. But then whatever it is, life maybe? Never fails to prove me wrong. 

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I WILL PROBABLY REGRET THIS LATER

My idea of “rock bottom” is waiting 15 minutes for a guy to text back. Oh, no not starving to death, or running out to money in my savings bank account. Not the zombie apocalypse either. Just simply waiting… Waiting for a guy to text back. Judge me alright. I don’t even know why this is so important to me. Maybe because I like him. And I’m hoping he likes me too. Because I mean, I just feel it. And even if he doesn’t, maybe I can make him. And why wouldn’t he? I think I’m pretty enough.. I know I would be a great girlfriend. Not that he even asked, but sooner or later he will see my worth. Yes, I feel a little shame in the back of my head. One brain cell, maybe two are screaming at me saying I look dumb. Telling me how I shouldn’t behave. That I look like a puppy waiting for my owner to throw food at me. Maybe I’m okay with it. I’m just feeling really hopeful and I will probably regret this later. 

THOUGHTS: DON’T MISS FINDING SOMEONE WHO WILL ACTUALLY TREAT YOU AS A PRIORITY

If you spend too long holding on to the one who treats you like an option, you will miss finding someone who will actually treat you like a priority. It’s hard, yes. Because it’s all you know. Atleast for now. But please be fair to yourself. Please think about what you really deserve. You’re so beautiful. You deserve so much more. You deserve to be the one on top of the list. You weren’t born to wait on someone to appreciate you. You were born to be loved and appreciated. You were born to be admired and to be prioritized. Give yourself a break. Work on yourself if you must and work on loving yourself more. You need it. You need to realize your worth sooner or later, because if you don’t, people will take advantage of you. 

WRITING: IT MAY HAVE BEEN IN PIECES, BUT I GAVE YOU THE BEST OF ME

It may have been in pieces, but I gave you the best of me. I tried to be what you wanted and who you needed. I was not perfect, I knew that. But my love was. I cared for you and I would have done anything for you. I was trying to fix myself when you came along. Your presence lit a little fire inside of me and made me want to hurry up my healing process. You were kind to me and told me you love and appreciated flaws. You said you believed flaws are there for a reason. You said they were made for the right person to appreciate. I thought, great. So I showed you mine and tore down my walls myself. I proudly presented myself to you almost like a gift or when princesses present themselves infront of a prince hoping you would choose me. But then you wouldn’t even dare to take a step forward. Instead, you took a step back. Now I’m sitting here. Like a kid who just wanted to throw a party but then nobody shows up. Lost and confused. 

KEEP FIGHTING

Great things are going to happen. Keep fighting and keep your head up. People are going to stand in your way. There are going to be a lot of temptations in the way that will make you think twice about your goals. You won’t understand your emotions and the weather will confuse you. People will be mean. People will tempt you to settle. People will try to convince you to stay. You will witness some things that will discourage you. There are going to be some new ideas made to divert your attention from what you’re set to do and what you promised yourself to do. You are going to be tired, exhausted and you’re going to doubt what you’re capable of. You’re going to wonder if you’re really meant to acheive your goal. But keep fighting and don’t worry. as long as you’re giving your best, it will all work out and you wil get there. 

THOUGHTS FROM AN UNSURE GIRL

You’re cute, but I don’t know if you’re here to waste my time or to sweep me off my feet. I’m tired of people like you, but somehow I get sucked in so easy. Next thing I know I am thinking about you every night while I stare at my ceiling when my mind won’t let me sleep. I don’t know if you’re here to have fun, or here to look for a future that we can walk in together. I’m ready, but most people aren’t. Not the ones my age at least. I seem to have a mature mind compared to other people my age, but my emotions are all over the place. I know what I want, but I cannot recognize it when it’s right in front of me. It’s like I look at you, I know I want a future with you but then my gut is telling me not to waste time because you’re probably like the rest of them. Because I got hurt so many times before, I don’t even know how to trust my own gut. Sometimes I feel like even my own head and heart are up to only hurting me. You have a pretty face, but your intentions are ugly. You just want to have fun. I don’t. I want to be happy.