The very first time I laid my eyes on you, I saw tragic and misfit. None of those scared me away and realizing that now makes me wish that I could go back and smack myself so hard that I would turn around and forget what I was looking at. Even though I blame myself for where I am at now and for how I feel at the moment, I still cannot help but look back and wish things turned out differently. I wish everyday that I handled things way differently than I did back then when I thought I knew you. Wait, I can’t even say that. Because all along, in the back of my mind, and deep down inside of me, my gut feelings were screaming at me. Of course, I refused to listen. Instead, I shut them down. I put them in a cage of concrete. I was fond of your presence and the words that you kept feeding me. I swallowed them whole without thinking and let my heart fly away. I have always bragged about not being able to trust people. Now that I think about it, I was doing that because I was scared and tried to convince myself not to trust people.
You’ve made me realize how vulnerable I am.
I did not know it was possible for me to fall for someone while my heart was breaking. It’s quiet confusing and I can only attempt to describe it through words. And even through this, my words are jumbled all over the place. I knew you weren’t going to catch me, but I dove in anyway. I watched myself, and the rest of me fall to pieces almost in slow motion.
And that’s the worst part. I continued to fall and all I could do was watch and wait until I hit the ground, accepting the fact that I will be in million more pieces by the time comes. And I did not seem to care.